12:37am and no boyfriend online to speak of... none at all. And yet here I am, sitting at my mom's lap top slowly becoming adicted to reading other peoples weblogs.
Chatting with Bob tonight in the hot tub until I was quite pruny. He feels he was cheated on the SAT's because the math section wasn't hard enough for him to display his abilities, we discussed the value and validity of standardized testing for a while. And he's hearing from colleges now... got into USC, Santa Clara, Boulder, still waiting to hear from Pepperdine, Notre Dame and Stanford. Qualified for a pretty good ROTC airforce scholarship and could probably get sophmore standing at most schools. I'm proud of him. I really am. He's more interesting to talk to than many of the people I know. He's far more diligent about schoolwork than I ever was. He's confident. He cares about his friends and is well liked. And he's getting into great schools with good scholarships and is even considering the Air Force. I never could have done that, I'm such a chicken. Anyway, at the risk of getting all mushy I was just thinking about what a good guy I think he's turned out to be. Despite his 6th grade level vocabulary :P I can't wait to see what Scott's like in a few years... Maybe my mom should write a parenting book, she was thinking about it tonight, trying to come up with something different she could write next. I'd say that she and Dad have turned out three high quality human beings, which is no small feat. Mom and I were watching a program on PBS tonight called "The power of intention" a feel good self help connect with your source lecture by... some guy. He was pretty good actually, I feel inspired to think about my life- but then, I've got a lot of time to think. He was mostly about seeing yourself as a part of something bigger, or at least that's how I like to see things you have to let go of your ego "We are not human beings living a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings living a human experience" ... or something like that. Everything will work out if you believe that it will, good things happen when you let them. Anger, shame, blame, hatred, fear stop good things from getting to you, stop you from being able to see the good things. It's all about the good karma. I believe that, I believe that things don't "go wrong" in life. They just go. So many good things happen to me, I just want to believe that they will continue to and that I can pass that on and on and be of service. I've had way too much shame and guilt recently that I need to let go of and start appreciating myself and appreciating my life. I was intended to be here!! the PBS man said so!! I have a few fears to get over too because I can't let them hold me back. I'm just going to trust, trust myself, trust the order of the world and go for it. Go for everything. Yeah so I'm going to Europe and they'll all be speaking german and I have to take classes in german and travle by myself, blah blah blah. This is going to be the greatest oportunity ever to just let go and trust. I rememvber experiencing somethign like that one night on my high school german exchange trip. Keep in mind I was only 16.... I stayed out later than my host student and had to get a bus home myself. I got lost finding my way home from the bus stop and was wandering around the streets of Dusseldorf at 1am all alone. I stopped to look at a bus rout map and a creepy guy asked me to come home with him... I turned around and walked as quickly as possible in the other direction. I started saying the hail mary to myself over and over in my head. I know, I know... how very Catholic of me, but it's comforting. anyway, I was scared, but I knew that I was going to be fine, that I was going to find her house, it was just a matter of walking until I found it. and I did find it. It turned out my poor host student had gotten worried and gone out looking for me and I felt terrible. But it was an experience that has just kind of stuck with me, it was really the first time I'd been so alone somewhere, lost on the streets in a forigne country. I'm not sure where the point was in that, but what I'm trying to get around to is that everything is going to be ok. Better than ok. I just have to stop thinking about me and my limitations as a person, because there aren't limits, it's not just me. Nice people are everywhere, even in Erurope, and good things are everywhere, waiting for me. I'm going to " contemplate myself surrounded by the world I want to create" and "Think from the end". Just like the nice man told me to do. I'm doing a lot of talking about my impending trip to Europe... but it's begining to dawn on me that I'm really going to leave really soon and I feel like I'm way behind on mental preparation. I'm doing a lot of talking, well, writing, in general mostly because I have nothing else to do and a lot of time to think and not a lot of people to talk to. and even though Eric is the only person reading this right now... I'm still enjoying writing it.